The definitive Ranking of Every Episode of FIxer Upper Ever Magnolia Homes Chip and Joanna Gaines HGTV

The Definitive Ranking of Every Episode of ‘Fixer Upper’ (PART THREE)

Finally the wait for the big reveal is over! I wish I had two huge screen-printed images on wheels for dramatic effect. But now, all the demo is over, the pillows have been fluffed and the Fake books are properly stacked.

Are you ready to see the best Fixer Upper?

28. “The one where they tried to make Rustic Italian a thing”

Season: Four

Score: 71.4/100 hot sauce wallpapers

Previously, Chip and Jo tried to make rustic coastal a thing, in this episode, they try their hand at rustic Italian.   Apparently, the superior rustic sub-genre is Italian. The Ignacio’s rustic Italian kitchen has the largest fridge I’ve ever seen.  It might be more than they deserve because during the “look at the family living in the house scene” the Ignacio’s are throwing pasta on the wall.  It feels disrespectful.

 

27. “The one where Chip and Jo pick a house to flip”
Season: Four

Score: 71.5/100 dancing office spaces

 

 

In this episode, we take a pleasant field trip to the first house Chip and Jo flipped–it is more disappointing than  one would think. For the show, the couple flips a house that looks like a giraffe. In the reveal, the outside looks slightly less like a giraffe.  The inside, however, is amazing. There are so many charming little touches: herringbone flooring, wood ceilings, rock shower walls, plastered fireplaces, funky pendant lights and boards with potted plants that can fall on your head while you sleep!  

26. “The one with the carriage house for the bed and breakfast”

Season: Three

Score: 71.7/100 termite exorcisms

The Gainses are asking the Wards to be the caretakers at their bed and breakfast.  Initially the house had water leaks, asbestos and a termite infestations. In the end, they get custom vanities, copper details in the kitchen and unnecessary justice scales in the kitchen.

Another unnecessary part of this episode is when Chip does a sensual hula dance.  I’d rather he didn’t.

25. “The one with the house for the bachelor”

Season: Three

Score: 72.2./100 no longer eligible bachelors

 

David Ridley is Waco’s most eligible bachelor. He also gives the world’s most aggressive “Yea!” during the reveal. Joanna’s makeover magic must have worked because David is off the market now.  I’m sure what made him most attractive were his two kitchen islands.

24. “The one with the schmear”

Season: Three

Score: 73.3/100 Max Lucado Hawaiian Shirts

 

 

Sarah and Jeff have one of the most memorable techniques from all of Fixer Upper.  I hate the sound of the words “German Schmear” but I love the look. Coupled with a beautiful teal kitchen and sweet, personalized vows from Max Lucado the German Schmear house was immediately iconic.

23. “The one where Chip flies with the Blue Angels”

Season: Three

Score: 73.5/100 nauseated Chips

 

Let’s talk about this bathroom. Everything about the room is charming and classic.  The tub. The wall color. The plush towel. The gorgeous window. The lack of curtains. The sight-lines to the neighbors.  The inevitable awkward bath-time “show.” Regardless of the awkward layout I’d do 1,000 barrel rolls with the Blue Angels for a bathroom like this.

22. “The one where they restore Paw-Paw’s house’

Season: Three

Score: 73.6/100 cabinet squirrels

 

For the entire episode, I thought Sterling was saying “Paul-Paul’s” house.  Either way, her southwestern renovation of her Paw-Paw’s house is perfection. The newly renovated home comes with a view, copper accents in the kitchen, pillows made out of old curtain fabric and is without a squirrel infestation. It’s lovely.

21. “The one with the big French Country budget”

Season: One

Score: 73.7/100 French Fries & French Doors

 

Jeff and Michelle Sanders are downsizing with their $650,000 budget. They’re cute, but I never want to hear them say “French Country” again.  In my mind, the exterior looks like a French Country Easter egg. North Carolina blue shutters aside, the rest of the home is simply perfect.

But the renovation isn’t the story, what is most compelling is Jeff Sanders’ posture.  Even though his hands in/thumbs out pocket posture says he’s a “super chill guy” his world’s longest kitchen island says “french country refinement.” It bothers me.  

20.  “The one where Chip is too good at throwing bricks”

Season: Five

Score: 73.8/100 Trashcan Tables

 

 

 

Here are some of the big questions from this episode:

Q: Did Chip have a big ol’ dip in his mouth at the baseball game?

A: No, i think it was just sunflower seeds

Q: Chips out there slangin’ bricks.  How many can he slang?

A: Twenty! Personal best!

Q: How many bricks would I throw for that antique “antique” sign? 

A: All of them

19. “The one where Clint buys a murdery looking home” 

Season: One

Score: 74.1/100 Bullet Holes

 

It’s about time Clint got his time to shine.  In practically every episode, Clint has to decipher Joanna’s scribbles and create what is usually a kitchen table of varying sizes and table legs.  He deserves his own home with original wood floors, wooden front door and a fireplace to nowhere in his living room.

18. “The one with the bakery”

Season: Four

Score:  74.3/100 sneeze guards

 

 

The bakery episode is what would happen if Top Chef and Fixer Upper combined–perfection.  Overall, the episode has some deep, thought-provoking questions. Is that too much icing on the cupcakes? Do you think that wallpaper in the bathroom looks better in person? Will Chip get E. coli from raw cookie dough? Would it be silly to travel all the way to Texas, just for a cupcake.

In the end, all the answers to those questions are a resounding “no.”

17. “The one with the coffee shop owners”

Season: Two

Score: 74.4/100 Cowboy Coffees

 

 

Kimberly and Blake own Common Grounds, a coffee shop covered in strings of Christmas lights.  They are like a millennial version of Chip and Jo. We learn that the original Chip has fat fingers and will eat a cockroach.  The real Jo also does the least amount of manual labor possible by kick down a wall. It took me two seasons to notice that Jo never picks up anything remotely heavy.  It’s a thought that I can never shake.

16. “The one where Chip, Jo and RG3 help a veteran”

Season: Four

Score: 74.5/100 well-used recliners

 

The Grahams win most adorable couple. Mr. Graham is a veteran and poor Mrs. Graham is in the hospital for most of the filming.  I was extremely concerned for her health as she toured her new home. The biggest complication throughout the whole episode was creating a recliner that Joanna would allow in one of her renovations. Update: it looks like the least comfortable recliner ever made.

 

15. “The one with the punk rocker”

Season: Five

Score: 74.7/100 temporary tattoos

 

Mike is a member of MXPX he’s very rock n roll and his home is not.  In this episode I realized the show has basically made me a general contractor. I nodded in agreement when Chip described why the house was sagging.  The previous owners used 2 x 4s, when it should be 2 x 12s. I completely understand construction now and know exactly how to fix it.

14. “The one with the restaurant”

Season: Five

Score: 75/100 avocado toasts

 

Honk Once for “yes”

Honk Twice for “no”

Avocado Toast –  *honk*

Chip’s new haircut – *honk* *honk*

A segment about Shorty –  *honk*

A printable with C & J’s favorite places to picnic –  *honk* !!!!!!

A grill top for your home stove –  *honk*

The stock music for Joanna to make biscuits to –  *honk*

Anything about Magnolia Table –  *honk*

13. “The one where the widow gets a cutie cottage”

Season: Five

Score: 75.1/100 Happy Tears

 

Laura Dern  would play Ms. Patti Baker if there was a movie made of this episode.  Seeing Ms. Patti B stand alone for the reveal made my heartache. While there would be nothing that would be better than to have Mr. Baker there for the reveal, Patti B does get a cutie cottage.  Her personalized custom pottery is the custom gift that I had no idea I needed. She also gets a kitchen island with three adjective. She gets a antique European, primitive kitchen island.

 

12. “The one with the moon door”

Season: Five

Score: 75.2/100 cutie doors

 

 

Matthew has perfect hair and Samantha could be a Crest white-strip model.  Now, the handsome couple can add a darling home to their list of perfect possessions.  The home has a custom moon door, gingham wallpaper, heirloom end tables from Kansas, a pantry and the world most impractical office desk.  

11. “The one where they build a garden shed for Joanna”

Season: Five

Score: 75.6/100 Plant Fireplaces

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Joanna’s chicken coop, obviously. Who knew I could be so envious of a chicken coop.  But, the episode is much sweeter than just a delightful antique windows and huge picnic tables. The best moments come from sneak peaks of the warehouse and meeting Pops, the elderly electrician.  I can’t wait to rent the chicken coop on airbnb.

10. “The one with Joanna’s sister”

Season: Five

Score: 76.5

 

 

I am 1000% intrigued by Joanna’s sister. What does she do? Why does she have so many kids?Those “plant lady” shirts must really be selling.  Here’s what I do know: she has a lovely breezeway, a iron shelf that will always need dusting and she has a bazillion house plants?

But what do you expect from the O.G. plant lady?

9. “The one with the Matsumotos”

Season: Four

Score: 76.6/100 bags of murder dolls

 

 

No one is shocked that the show’s producer would pick the world’s worst home to renovate. What is shocking is the actual renovation.  The growing family received a custom dinner bell, an open kitchen and an outdoor dining room to eat with the mosquitos!

 

8. “The one were Chip drives a smart car”

Season: Five

Score: 76.9/100 home barber shops

 

The Morrison’s have an $850,000 budget and the world’s longest coffee table. They also have a tennis court in their front yard and a den that gives off a real Beauty and the Beast vibe.  I think Chip and Joanna anticipated the audience being more invested in the staining and sanding of the bookcases but I was more concerned about the Morrison kids going on the house tour with their parents. Why are they the first non-Gaines children to be included? It must be part of that big ol budget.

 

7. “The one with the barn house”
Season: Three

Score: 79.2/100 looonnnnngggggg dinning room tables

 

The bardominium has its share of haters.   Apparently a second floor kitchen isn’t “practical” and the 17’ table isn’t “realistic.”  Well, I think the haters haven’t realized how many fitbit steps you’ll get bringing groceries to the kitchen and the appeal of not hearing your nearest neighbor chew at the dinner table. In truth, the bardominium is the best tool for weeding out the haters from the true Fixer Upper fans.

6. “The one with the mod house in the woods”

Season: Two

Score: 79.9/100 Controversial Bar top Heights

 

For a small fee, you can rent this funky little house on airbnb.  I would stay with caution. The house has many sharp angles. It is perched on what seems like a wooded cliff and the I would be afraid I’d fall in love with the place and never want to leave. The only change I would make would be to lose the stripper poles from above the kitchen sink.

 

5. “The one with Tim Tebow’s quads”

Season: 5

Score: 81.3/100 Portes-cochères

 

The Copp family episode is the only episode where I am more interested in the family than the renovation.  The combination of Tim Tebow, his generosity and leg muscles plus the Copp family’s spirit make it impossible to watch with dry eyes.  Even little Duke scavenging the home for copper makes Chip cry. Overall, it’s a perfect episode.

 

4. “The one with the atrium in the middle of the house”

Season: One

Score: 82.1/100 Potential Atrium Snakes

 

Heath and Becky make a cute little couple along with their daughters, Tennyson (named after the famous poet) and Fallon (presumably named after the late night host).  I don’t remember anything else about this home except for the atrium. There’s mint for mojitos, a cutie little picnic table and a way to be outdoors, but also still inside your home.  I’m not keen on mojitos, but with a little fresh atrium mint, I think it might become my signature drink.

3. “The one where they gussy up Jimmy Don’s Country Cabin”

Season: Five

Score: 82.9/100 Laura Bush Pantsuits

 

I feared that this would be a dark episode. Jimmy Don tells his son, Jake, “I want to take you out to the pasture and show you something.”Spoiler Alert: Jimmy Don doesn’t kill his son. He actually makes an adorable cabin with the perfectly pitched roof.  The see-thru stairs and the large kitchen windows make the views from the cabin spectacular. Almost as amazing as the pantsuit at Mrs. Bush’s tree garden.

 

2. The one with the soldier’s engagement”

Season: Five

Score: 84.2/100 thoughtful cornholes

 

TJ and Stephanie hit the Fixer Upper trifecta: perfect views, outside entertaining space and a cozy interior. The episode even hits the Fixer Upper B Plot trifecta: cattle auction, cattle purchase and vet with his hand up a cow’s butt on TV.  But even better than the cow’s ultrasound is TJ’s proposal. Stephanie didn’t drop one single tear for the reveal, but the proposal got her!

They only negative is Joanna didn’t create a custom dog bed for Macho.  It’s the only flaw in the “All-American Farmhouse.” Don’t you dare tell me Clint wouldn’t make the world’s greatest doghouse.

1. “The one where the family moves from Pakistan to a Farmhouse”

Season: Five

Score: 86.7/100 fabulous transoms

 

When Joanna first sees Brooke and Charlie Ramsey’s home, she goes in full Rain Man-mode and reconfigured the whole house on the spot.  In her vision, she sees a centered front door, a raised garden, a freestanding fireplace a coffee bar! In reality, the Ramsey’s receive the world’s greatest Fixer Upper.  The home goes through a complete transformation. The couple have an interesting background story. And more importantly, Brooke has the world’s greatest, most prehistoric sounding reaction to her new home. A reaction worthy of the top rated fixer upper of all time…

 

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