The definitive Ranking of Every Episode of FIxer Upper Ever Magnolia Homes Chip and Joanna Gaines HGTV

The Definitive Ranking of Every Episode of ‘Fixer Upper’ (Part Two)

Welcome to part two of our definitive Fixer Upper ranking. We have a lot of houses, with custom tables from Clint and Chip shenanigans to get through. So, as Chip and Jo say many, many times, “Let’s get after it!

56. “The one with the industrial loft”

Season: Five

Score: 64.5/100 Dancin’ Shoes

Catherine Ballas is a refit workout instructor. She teaches a class that looks like Zumba for white people. Catherine wants a loft that is close to her studio.  What she gets is a loft with millions of books with blue spines, windows with four layers of trim and minimal storage. The loft looks impractical, but pretty (the exact opposite of Chip’s golden dancing shoes.)

 

55. “The one where Joanna is obsessed with an herb pot rack” …as she should be!

Season: Three

Score: 64.6/100 wobbly consultation tables

 

There are a lot of big, important moments in this episode.  The silos get their Magnolia letters. The red brick becomes a questionable light blue brick but the most important revelation is the creation of the herb pot rack.  Those little pots are lovely but they would soon be a plant graveyard at my home.

 

54. The one with the best back porch”

Season: Four

Score: 64.8/100 fabulous pergolas

 

The most notable part of the Eberle’s new home is their fabulous back porch.   The setting looks like the perfect place for rest and relaxation. Poor Mrs. Eberle is going to need this oasis after she attempts to makeup those bunk beds that Joanna put in her guest bedroom.  

 

 

53. “The one where the football star wants to upgrade his parents’ place”

Season: Four

Score: 65.1/100 Pot Fillers

 

Joanna and Chip are renovating the Beachums home, with a little help ($100,000) from Kelvin Jr.  Kelvin’s money goes a long way. Mrs. Beachum gets a gorgeous kitchen with TWO pantries with antique doors.  Nana also gets a pot filler and a bulky vent hood that is surely a concussion in the making while cooking.

 

52. “The one with the doggie spa”

Season: Four

Score: 65.4/100 extremely climbable trees

 

Andrew and Brittany are an enigma. He’s a mathematician and she’s a non-profit employee with a $450,000 budget.  He must be really, really good at math because, to me, those numbers don’t add up. Regardless, the couple creates a special doggie spa room in their home.  

51. “The one with the vintage bike”

Season: One

Score: 65.8/100 Camera Shy Veterinarians

 

She’s an ultra runner he’s a gregarious guy that if you meet him, he might offer to give you a tour of his house. I know this to be true because it happened to me! The home has cement counter tops, original windows and the rustiest bicycle you’ve ever seen.

 

50. “ The one where Chip gets stuck in an elevator”

Season: Three

Score: 65.9/100 Patent Office Drawings

 

Jamie and Kyle Ferguson are now the proud owners of two porch swings that look like they don’t have proper clearance for swinging.  More importantly, the Fergusons also have my all time favorite bathroom. Their shower is decorated with three unwrapped bars of soap.  The bars seem excessive and inviting soap scum, which is a battle I’d fight if I had that tiled tub area.

49. “The one where the ultra hip Colorado couple want an ultra hip house”

Season: Four

Score: 66.1/100 interesting jumpsuits

 

The Wixom aesthetic is “cooler-than-you modern.”  From sleek bowl-cuts to metal windows, their whole vibe is something that I can’t get behind.  While, I’m not here for all this modern nonsense, I love looking at their cold cement fireplace with insect harboring-firewood and abundance of Edison bulbs.  I’d love to see a “where are they now” episode of the show to find out how many bottles of Windex they’ve went through.

 

48. “The one with the missionaries”

Season: One

Score: 66.5/100 tiny wall chairs

 

For most of their days, Tim & Janice live in a shipping container in Uganda. It goes without saying that I really like them. The episode contains our first ever trip to Round Top.  It goes without saying that I was immediately in love with everything about Round Top. Joanna finds a map of Africa and little tiny school chairs to hang on the wall or use as chairs when needed.

It is a design trend that is still waiting to catch fire.

 

47. “The one with the scary cabin in the woods”

Season: One

Score: 67.1/100 Classical Harps

 

I’ve read enough horror novels to know that dark cabins in the woods are not to be messed with.  The Gaines’ take on the dark cabin in the woods and in the end it seems to be a slightly lighter cabin in the woods.

 

46. “The one where the guy wants a shoe closet”

Season: Three

Score: 67.6/100 antique machetes

 

Full disclosure: I was unimpressed with the shoe closet. It’s more like a shoe shelf. The kitchen, however, is decorated with biscuits.  Biscuits are my kind of decorations.

 

45. “The one where they renovate the bed and breakfast”

Season: Three

Score: 67.7/100 Harp Family Fudges

 

I’ve always wondered what Jo would do if she could do exactly what she wanted to do in a renovation. The bed and breakfast project answers that question. There is shiplap, funky tile, and the world’s largest corbels.  We also find out that Joanna is especially fond of glittery Christmas decorations. A fact that somehow seems counter-intuitive.

 

44.“The one where the foster parent gets a new house”

Season: Three

Score: 67.8/100 Yellow Billy Balls

 

Kaley wants a funky little house for her and her foster son.  Funky little house means skinny shiplap, shiplap on the ceiling, uncomfortable looking stools, TVs that probably don’t work as decorations and yellow billy balls all over the house. Apparently I’d like to have a funky little house as well.

 

43. “The one where Chip throws out the first pitch”

Season: Three

Score: 68/100 Sewer Scopes

 

I’m not sure what I love more, Emmie Kay playing wiffle ball with a purse or the hand painted kitchen tiles or the brick pavers in the dining room or the exposed wood ceiling in this house.  

 

42. “The one where Chip gets bit by a cat”

Season: Two

Score: 68.1/100 Biting Kittens

 

Here are the top three impressive moments in this episode:

  1. Joanna makes a rickety wall look chic
  2. Russ, the owner, finds $30,000 overnight to purchase a neighboring lot
  3. Joanna can do backflips

 

41. “The one with the wormhole brick”

Season: Four

Score: 68.2/100 STUPID see-thru design board

 

The barkers are a big fan of the short sleeve shirt and vest look .  We also find out that they are big fans of old world style kitchen islands, vaulted ceilings and the removal of deer murals and wormhole brick in their home.

 

40. “The one where the dude sings opera too much”

Season: Five

Score: 68.3/100 antique cellos

 

Josh Len is an Italian opera singer. He sings at the first house option. It makes me want a Fazoli’s breadstick.  More importantly, this episode shows a flaw in the Fixer Upper space time continuum.   It is a well-known secret that clients don’t get to keep all of furniture, wall art and knickknacks that Joanna scatters all over their home.   But in this episode, the Len’s receive a one of a kind vintage piano sign, that magically appears in the Hillcrest Estate.

Exhibit A:

It’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real.

39. “The one where I wished I had paid more attention in Spanish class”

Season: Five

Score: 68.8/100 “me gustas”

 

The Aguilars are from Puerto Rico and are looking to renovate their la pequena colina.  Every corner of the home gives off a warm Mediterranean-y vibe. The only questionable part would be the teak shower.  I’m unsure how to clean a teak shower and the space underneath the slats of the shower. How do you deal with what would grow under there?

 

38.  “The one with the Baylor Chaplain”

Season: Two

Score: 68.9/100 Baylor Bears

 

The Baylor Chaplain needs a house but he and his wife have opposite tastes.   The result is a home with a “classic” and “traditional” style. I’m unsure how to tell the difference between the two.  The home also has an abundance of spritzer canisters. It’s upsetting. I fear the chaplain has a spritzing fetish.

 

37. “The one where they build from the ground up”

Season: Five

Score: 69.1/100 Cluttered Attics

 

Dale and Nancy want a yard and a place for their grandkids in Woodway–the 90210 of Waco.  Since they couldn’t find the perfect place, they decided to build from the ground up. The show feels weird without a demo and potential asbestos.  The episode added gas lanterns in my kitchen to “my dream home wish list.” The episode also added small, rough-cut stumps for chairs to my “absolutely not ever list.”

36. “The one where the lady is obsessed with the laundry room”

Season: Five

Score: 69.3/100 opposite of pecan oaks

 

Clint creates his 500th table for Joanna.  I don’t know that as a fact, but it feels right.  At this point, I believe they have made every kind of table imaginable.  In this house, they make a table that looks extremely difficult to enter and exit.

35. “The one where they tried to make rustic coastal a thing.”

Season: Five

Score: 69.4/100 Furniture Camp Sweatshirts

 

The Jacksons are dead set on this rustic coastal nonsense. Tim even insists on wearing Hawaiian shirts during filming.   He is really committing to the rustic coastal lifestyle. Joanna also says “outdoor pergola” a lot, as opposed to an “inside pergola.” It too is very rustic coastal.

34. “The one where Joanna designs for one of her designers”

Season: Four

Score: 69.6/100 Organized Chicken Coops

 

Kristen works for Jo and Brett manages the equipment for the Baylor Bears.  They are a very “Waco” couple. Because Kristen is well-versed in the Joanna-way, she gets all of the standards–awnings over windows, white painted brick and antique doors.  But, more than any part of the Bufton home, I covet the nicely sharpened colored pencils in the kids’ play area.

 

33. “The one with the houseboat”

Season: Four

Score: 70/100 disobedient Chips

 

Brett Schwartz is a single parent who has found himself purchasing a houseboat while parenting multiple children.  I am extremely interested in what lead him to these circumstances. Likewise, Chip almost found out what it would be like to be a single parent with multiple children.   I felt the murder and rage in Joanna’s eyes when he jumped into the lake. I also felt the shame and regret as Chip soggily toured the remaining houseboats.

 

32. “The one with Jo’s friend from high school”

Season: Two

Score: 70.1/100 toilet spigots

 

Jonathan and Amy Gulley are the proud owners of the world’s longest ranch home.  Jonathan’s look says “youth pastor” but his budget says “ project manager.” Since the home is all one level, the cameramen have plenty of opportunities to do their favorite framed shot–the creepy stalker shot.   HGTV finds it perfectly normal to film a woman from outside of a window while she quietly completes a task. The set-up makes me uneasy.

31. “The one where the clients use a bowling lane”

Season: Four

Score: 70.2/100 implemented implements

 

Dustin and Mary are from California, so they are inherently cooler than me.   The coolest part of their home is the reading nook. The couple definitely needs a reading nook because Joanna decorates with not one, but two copies of Oliver Twist.   Even though Chip has no idea what to do in a reading nook, I’m over here contemplating how to ever read again without one.  

30. “The one with the shotgun house”

Season: Three

Score: 70.3/100 street sign decorations with no discernible direction

 

The Bell’s have three huge Labs and they buy the world’s smallest house.  The entire episode is the prettiest, most impractical home ever filmed.

 

29. “The one with Chip & Jo’s surprise anniversary”

Season: Three

Score: 70.6/100 gorgeous mismatched dinner tables

 

Let’s make a pact to boycott hanging side tables near beds. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to find your glasses in the morning on a swinging surface.  Side tables aside, the Dansby’s house is perfect. The episode also contains the perfect surprise anniversary party for Chip and Jo. Chip raids the rose bushes for roses and drags out every fabulous antique table they own for a family get together.  Jo is pleasantly surprised and I’m still waiting on my invitation.

Only one more episode left of Fixer Upper and one more set of episodes to rank!

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