Welcome to the definitive ranking of every episode of Fixer Upper!  We take the best episodes and the worst episodes and turn it into your dream internet list.  Each episode has been carefully ranked according to buyer interest, Chip and Jo chemistry, “front elevation” overhaul and much more!

There are some conflicting notions on the official episode number, so each episode has a Friends title to help with any confusion. So put on your best leather earrings and throw on a regional t-shirt.  It’s time to get to work.

Do you have the guts to take on this Fixer Upper list?

76.“The one where the couple wants ‘Big Texas’”

Season: One

Score: 37.3/100 BIG TEXAS STARS

Y’all this one is barely a fixer upper. John and Margie are living out of their hotel until their house is properly tweaked. Chip & Jo bring out as much Big Texas as they can in two weeks, but there’s barely any demo to be had.  The barn door shutters seem a little less “Big Texas” and a little more “dungeon-y” for my liking. 

75. “The one where the nice lady gets a nice house.”

Season: One

Score: 43.4/100 Ticks on a Hound dog

Carolyn’s home was destroyed in an explosion. She seems sweet and deserves a totally intact home.  This is also the episode where Joanna overuses the word “quaint.” It becomes obvious that “quaint” is a code word for “small.”   For Carolyn’s surprise personalized gift, Joanna spray paints some chairs. They’re not even hand turned by Clint. It’s a quaint misstep.  

 

74. “The one where Joanna indulges in her clock obsession.”

Season: Two

Score: 51.2/100 Retro Clocks

The Silva family has three generations under one roof. The mom is an astronaut (or something) so is gifted a cutie little sign that says “I love you to the moon and back.”  There are also more clocks in this renovation than stars in the sky. 

The most memorable part of the episode was meeting the other Chip.  Chip 2.0 is a travelling junk salesman. He comes to the farm to sell his wares and never shows up again. I think it’s because he shows up in a Hummer. 

 

73. “The one with the chevron shutters”

Season: One

Score: 51.8/100 Runaway Jeeps!

Karla is recently single and she’s finally getting her groove back. There’s a secret entrance to her friend’s backyard that’s not creepy at all and a super convenient indoor basketball goal.  The most exciting part of the episode is when Joanna surprises Chip with a Jeep from his glory days and  he returns the favor by almost running her over. But, overall, it’s a good day, to have a good day, with some good chevron shutters.

 

 

72. “The one with the due date deadline.”

Season: One

Score: 53.8/100 Little Baby Clients

Whitney and Martin are knocked up and need a house. Like Chip on #demoday, they got “after it” and now they need more space. You’ll be pleased to know they met their deadline. 

 

 

71. “The one where the kiddos pick pecans.”

Season: Two

Score: 55.8/100 Bags-o-nuts

Deanna and Paul King want to avoid the wild nights in Waco and move out into a more calm neighborhood. The Kings get one of my favorite kitchens.  It looks like the inside of a Pizza Hut in the 90s, but more cute. I’m a sucker for some exposed brick. For the exciting Texas field trip portion of the show, the boys gather pecans and meet the local pecan lady. It’s more exciting than it seems.  

 

 

70. “The one with the surprise nursery”

Season: Two

Score: 56/100 Dutch doors

In every episode, there’s a surprise compilation.  In this episode it’s the first every little baby human surprise! Kelsey and Trip are also surprised with a gender neutral nursery. Even still, the cutest moment was the Gaines kiddos selling vegetables.  They are little hustlers.

 

 

69. “The one where Chip and Jo talk about the brick column too much.”

Season: Three

Score: 59.1/100 decorative apples with stickers on them

The big conflict in this episode is there is a brick column and Chip and Joanna don’t know what to do with it. Should it be a coffee bar? Should it just be a pillar? It was contentious.  To me, I was more curious about what Emmie and Ella could possibly be carrying in their little purses while shopping. It’s a real conundrum. 

 

 

68. “The one where the guy disrespects Jo’s farmhouse style.”

Season: One

Score: 60.3/100 Shiplapless Homes

Joel and Rebecca are both physicians, but Joel’s diagnosis of Joanna’s style is what makes this episode unique.   His hesitation to embrace shiplap helped me rage-watch this episode. Joel is taken aback by all the rust and shiplap in Joanna’s farmhouse. It’s disrespectful.  Although their home is lovely, I prefer when Joanna is at her rustiest.

 

67. The one that’s a bunker for SEVEN KIDS!”

Season: Two

Score:  60.6/100 Back flops into the river

This episode features a lot of loose belly shots of Chip.  He is drawn to the river in the Holt family backyard and can’t help but jumping in. Since the family is ginormous they get a SIXTEEN FOOT dinner table and a garage conversion bedroom filled with bunk beds.  The beds look 0% comfortable. It seems like a chic fallout shelter.  A rare Joanna misstep. 

66. “The one with the rock-n-roll barroom.”

Season: Three

Score: 60.7/100 dice bookends

Joanna finally gets the opportunity to decorate a room that combines the content of a Hard Rock Cafe with her farmhouse sense of style.  As an added bonus the clients also want a coastal beach vibe in landlocked Waco, Texas. It’s a bold choice.

 

65. “The one where they build a bench to cover the poop pipe.”

Season: Two

Score: 60.9/100 sewer lines

Brandon and Kristen picked a home where there are pipes everywhere there shouldn’t be. Clint comes to the rescue when she creates a bench to hide the poop pipe–a poop bench, if you will. Joanna and Chip spend so much time stressing over the pipe, that they didn’t have enough time to revisit the loss of the shingles on the “front elevation.”  It was a real crappy choice.

 

64. “The one where Chip runs amuck in Laverty’s”

Season: Four

Score: 61/100 Winds beneath our sail wing

The home in this episode is gorgeous, but what you’ll remember most about this episode is Chip terrorizing an antique store.  Chip finds a recorder while shopping. He also picks up an ancient communicable disease. There’s also some delightful murder dolls for purchase. Those dolls are scary, but not as horrifying as the clock on the vent hood in the kitchen.

 

63. “The one with the house with the little dead rat”

Season: One

Score: 62.7/100 Little Princess Nooks

Chuck is a coach and Charmaine is an athlete, both are intimidating.  I spent most of this episode coveting Joanna’s industrial letter collection and marveling at Chip’s poop tooth. But most importantly, this episode contains the moment where Joanna reveals shiplap to America. They also introduced another Fixer Upper story line, Chip and Co. visit the humane society and return with three more pets than promised. It’s an instant classic.

 

62. “The one with two miles of railing”

Season: Two

Score: 63/100 clients with pink hair

He’s a rocket scientist, she has pink hair they also have a big ol’ budget.  Their big budget can’t afford a house where the bricks aren’t attached to the walls.  They find the man that put a coke bottle time capsule in the walls. It’s probably the same guy that didn’t attach the brick to the wall, but they don’t bring that up.  

 

61. “The one with the Murphy bed”

Season: Four

Score: 63.2/100 old ball and chains

The Phipps end up with a house with zero interior walls. It’s a sight to behold. Within those minimal walls, there are corbels! Cottage doors! Painted brick! Funky windows! It’s delightful.

 

60. “The one where we are introduced to the silos”

Season: Two

Score: 63.4/100 sparkling cider toasts

There’s a fixer upper in this episode with a dreamy butler’s pantry, but it’s not the most interesting fixer upper.  Chip and Jo set out to buy the silos–two ginormous rust buckets that used to hold grain and now house expensive fake succulents and presumably billions of knickknacks.  We are led to believe that the Gaines’ haven’t already purchased the silos, but first they have a picnic on the private property. Through sheer luck, the cameras are running when Joanna truly finds out the silos are theirs.

Or at least that’s the story I choose to believe.

 

59. “The one where the family needs a college home for their son in five years.”

Season: Three

Score: 63.5/100 surprise cupcakes

I have a sneaky suspicion that the Crafts desperately wanted to be on the show and created this flimsy reason to purchase a second home in Waco.  Regardless, they ended up with a lovely home with matching bookcases and railings.

 

58. “The one where Chip and Jo compete to decorate boys’ and girls’ rooms”

Season: Four

Score: 64/100 pointy awnings in children’s room

Even though this house is lovely, there are so many problematic areas. There’s a big ol’ kitchen bench that looks like it would take twelve minutes to scoot around.  The kids’ bedrooms are a horror story. There are pointy metal awnings. 2 x 4s everywhere for maximum injuries! And those bunk beds look like they are in that home for life. So impractical.

 

57. “The one where Chip and Jo got started”

The Pilot!

Score: 64.2/100 Etched Door Knockers

Doug and Lacy are the first ever Fixer Upper clients.  Doug looks like a youthful John Malkovich. Lacy looks out of his league. I didn’t appreciate how assertive he was about getting his office instead of Lacy’s craft corner. John will never use that office and that impractical leather chair that looked like it was held together by bandages.  Overall, I enjoyed hearing the first and quite possibly only expletive in Fixer Upper. I loved seeing Joanna type on an iPhone 3. I loved the guest appearance of Clint’s baby face. I enjoyed seeing C & J haul their staging furniture in a trailer before they became all big and boujee.

Check in soon for #56-37!